Having trouble reaching the bottom of your mug? Things getting blurry and soggy? Then be sure to refer to this chart to get to the source of your troubles.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

PROBLEM: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

PROBLEM: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

PROBLEM: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

PROBLEM: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house-training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

PROBLEM: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:: Floor moving.

PROBLEM: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

PROBLEM: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

PROBLEM: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: (See above. )

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

PROBLEM: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

PROBLEM: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.