Oliver Benjamin has his moral fixations on Coffee, Cigarettes and Alcohol...

Thompson merely challenged the popular assertion that hedonism is a bad thing. After all, hedonism used to be a pretty well-respected Greek philosophy.

And didn't William Blake write "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom"? One could argue that too much temperance is the reason wisdom is in such short supply these days.

After all, both the Greek and Roman empires were pretty much built on gluttony, booze and buggery.

But, of course, the anti-vice squads out there are not interested in wisdom or happiness or successful imperialism. They contend that certain substances and behaviours will destroy your family, your health, and most importantly, your tax returns. This is a different argument altogether, one which deserves some reasoned analysis.

First off, yes, it's true, families are often destroyed by alcohol, drugs and adultery. But as family ties are responsible for most of the suffering in the world, this could be a good thing. Plus, it's the stresses of family life that often generate substance abuse in the first place.

Next, as far as tax returns go, I would counter that some of the highest-paid folks in the world (e.g. celebrities) are also the biggest indulgers on the planet. That leaves only health. Everyone knows that drugs and illicit sex destroy your health. The only real reason not to engage in these things is so you won't die.

For legal reasons, this column is not about to advocate taking heavy drugs, or illegal ones, or even widely-available pharmaceuticals. Nor am I going to advocate sleeping around.

The vast majority of people in the world don't have access to hard drugs and easy sex. Alcohol, coffee and cigarettes are all far more common, and they've all been criticised as being terrible for your health.

Yet aside from giving you uniformly lousy breath, are they really that bad for you?

First let's take a look at the oldest vice in the world: alcohol. Popular statistics claim that one of the most common causes of death is the imbibing of alcohol.

On closer analysis, however, one learns that this list includes A) being run over by a drunk driver or B) committing suicide while under the influence of alcohol, or C) merely getting shot by a drunk guy.

Consequently, anyone who dies while in the presence of an intoxicated person is potentially an alcohol-induced fatality. Due to this statistical sleight-of-hand, every single death in Ireland is a result of alcohol.

Most people generally assume that booze is awful for your health. This despite the fact that recently much research has shown that a drink or two actually reduces blood pressure and the risk of heart disease.

And here's a sobering statistic: Only one in ten alcoholics ever contract liver disease, and only one in ten of those actually die from it. Not that I'm saying alcoholism is fine, only that if you're one of those piss-heads who regularly sleeps in a pool of your own vomit, you only have a 1 in 100 chance of dying from your affliction.

In fact, you're probably more likely to die from malnutrition or accidentally downing paint thinner. The moral? Don't drink too much, but if you do, take plenty of multivitamins, and you'll probably live. If you brush your teeth once in a while you might even be able to maintain some kind of social life. Case closed. And opened!

God knows why people seem to think that coffee is bad for you. Maybe because it's hot and dark and disturbing. Like eternal damnation, and certain bodily locations. Fact is, coffee is not the slightest bit unhealthy. In fact, few things are better for you than a nice espresso.

Forget all the hullabaloo about antioxidants in tea or red wine - coffee boasts more antioxidants than anything besides dates and blueberries.

Recently coffee was also found to reduce the risk of diabetes, high blood pressure and even liver disease. In fact, alcoholics who also regularly drink coffee are four times less likely to develop cirrhosis.

I'll double-drink to that! Coffee has even proven to increase sexual performance and boost your I.Q. by a few points. Thus, Starbucks are essentially health food stores without all the weird smells and sickly people.

Finally, we come to cigarettes. I'm not going to kid you here. Anyone who tells you cigarettes aren't bad for you is either a) a sadist or b) working for big tobacco. In fact, new studies suggest that cigarettes are much worse for you than anyone ever thought. Long-term data shows that smoking dramatically increases the risk of all sorts of diseases, not only cancer.

That's because smoking is essentially like marinating your entire body in dirty motor oil. Furthermore, smoking will render you an out-of-shape, grey-skinned, foul-smelling yellow-toothed dragon with burnholes in your upholstery.

In contrast to coffee, alcoholics who smoke are four times more likely to develop cirrhosis. So for god's sake, if you drink and smoke, make sure to load up on plenty of frappuccinos as well.

But then again, so what? You're much more likely to die from heart disease than smoking, and you never hear anyone saying "extra cheese" is a vice, or that you should "just say no" to chili sauces. It's all kind of pointless, this worry.

A few hundred years ago we'd all be dead by 35. Now, thanks to modern medicine we can live twice that long, free to spend that time fretting about how and when we're going to die.

And this is why many of us take drugs, fornicate and behave badly in the first place - because all this extra possibility can be both dull and worrisome.

The scriptures had it right: "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we will die," possibly even today if you eat, drink, be merry, and then pilot a vehicle. Let's all drink a toast to public transport. It's cars we should be afraid of.

We at Think, while non-smokers, encourage you to express your views. Write us, write the media, write the NEA. Do your part! Wake people up! Let them know what this is REALLY about! Fascism's greatest allies are ignorance and fear.